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Literature Text
Why? Why the calm? It brings clarity and lucidity. Why am I so worried about everything, filled with such anxiety? Is it because I have so much on my plate, tasks which I consider to be impossible and time-consuming? Am I so agitated inside that I react to even the smallest disturbance? The answer is yes.
I was so detached from the real world because I feared it. I fear failure. I fear criticism. And instead of facing it and getting down in the mud, I took the coward's way out. The reason why I did this is because I feared getting hurt in any way, and I feared sacrifice. My emotions were in turmoil because of this dilemma. I am at war with two sides of myself: the coward, the one who wants to raise the white flag, call it quits and wallow in self-desperation.........and the fighter, the one who refuses to back down and seeks to continue. I've felt both during my lifetime.
Only now do I have the age, intellectual thought, and spiritual clarity needed to really view these things in depth. And it's a blow to my life as well as a blessing. I felt the touch of the coward, which beckoned me to abandon all I strive for and just live contently on life support. I'm very glad to not listen to its siren call, for I'm a young man at heart, and to simply quit is to sign a death sentence. How writing this makes my heart soar and my spirit brighten. It gives me closure, yet still I am conflicted, even now.
Sometimes I wished I were a domesticated animal. I know, it's a depressing thought, and it was indeed. But an animal like that has everything provided for it. I guess what I'm saying is I didn't want to fight for what I want. I'd rather have wished for it. I'm sure we've all felt that in our lives. Unfortunately, the fantasy isn't the same as the reality, and it's what I hated most of all. I hate feeling powerless against a universe which moves of its own accord, whereas I'm victim to temptations, desires, and my own fear without rest.
I know I'm rambling in silence. But believe me, this is what I felt like doing. It's an interesting sensation, this moment of introspection. I realize now that I am my own scribe, and that this is my own tale of which I am writing. Just putting this down in paper gives me a sense of power, so perhaps I'm not so powerless after all. Yes, I needed this time of serious thinking. I thank myself for this much-needed moment. The pain is gone. The calm and the light have returned. But I still have a fight that needs to be won. For that, I'll need a sword, one which I have and have wielded in honorable combat. Look out, world! Here I come, to claim my future!
I was so detached from the real world because I feared it. I fear failure. I fear criticism. And instead of facing it and getting down in the mud, I took the coward's way out. The reason why I did this is because I feared getting hurt in any way, and I feared sacrifice. My emotions were in turmoil because of this dilemma. I am at war with two sides of myself: the coward, the one who wants to raise the white flag, call it quits and wallow in self-desperation.........and the fighter, the one who refuses to back down and seeks to continue. I've felt both during my lifetime.
Only now do I have the age, intellectual thought, and spiritual clarity needed to really view these things in depth. And it's a blow to my life as well as a blessing. I felt the touch of the coward, which beckoned me to abandon all I strive for and just live contently on life support. I'm very glad to not listen to its siren call, for I'm a young man at heart, and to simply quit is to sign a death sentence. How writing this makes my heart soar and my spirit brighten. It gives me closure, yet still I am conflicted, even now.
Sometimes I wished I were a domesticated animal. I know, it's a depressing thought, and it was indeed. But an animal like that has everything provided for it. I guess what I'm saying is I didn't want to fight for what I want. I'd rather have wished for it. I'm sure we've all felt that in our lives. Unfortunately, the fantasy isn't the same as the reality, and it's what I hated most of all. I hate feeling powerless against a universe which moves of its own accord, whereas I'm victim to temptations, desires, and my own fear without rest.
I know I'm rambling in silence. But believe me, this is what I felt like doing. It's an interesting sensation, this moment of introspection. I realize now that I am my own scribe, and that this is my own tale of which I am writing. Just putting this down in paper gives me a sense of power, so perhaps I'm not so powerless after all. Yes, I needed this time of serious thinking. I thank myself for this much-needed moment. The pain is gone. The calm and the light have returned. But I still have a fight that needs to be won. For that, I'll need a sword, one which I have and have wielded in honorable combat. Look out, world! Here I come, to claim my future!
terraluna5
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This is an old writing that I made in a private journal a few years ago, back when I was still somewhat insecure about myself and my life in general. Now that I read it, I see how far I've gone. I may not have advanced greatly in life, but I am on the right path at least. And I feel proud and confident of myself. So have I decided to share this with you all, and especially to those who suffer from the same problems that I suffered from. This is a gift, in a way. Enjoy.
© 2014 - 2024 terraluna5
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I understand this struggle brother. I think we all deal with the temptation of the lazy out...